I grew up in a very religious atmosphere. Everything was about fear and damnation. There was preaching of punishment for wearing the wrong clothes and for wanting things that look pretty. I really want to be a good person and love everyone as best I can. Some people who are religious are very hateful and hate everyone that isn’t just like them. At some point all of my experiences with religion and my inner reality hit a crossing point and I reached an understanding.

I was about 14 and I remember having a moment of acceptance in front of the mirror in my bedroom. I remember realizing that I was gay and that many people were going to be mean to me and hold that against me but I could not change who I was it was very clear to me and it suddenly felt like a punishment. I cried that day for the loss of innocence that occurred.

My Dad still thinks it is his fault that I am Gay. My Mom also thinks it is her fault. I’m not sure why parents take on so much guilt when a child is gay. My mom informed me that she had prayed for a little girl after her first baby was born. That would have been my older brother. Of course I said “gee thanks mom, you prayed me right into being a girl”. Unfortunately she really takes it seriously and thinks that her prayers are what made me attracted to other men. Everyone hopes that I will grow out of it and that being gay is just a phase. I know one thing for sure. I can’t handle any more people laying their hands on me and splashing holy water and olive oil on me praying for a miracle, praying for me to be normal. If you’re going to pray for me, now pray that I can find love and equality and that I might have my own family.

My cousin has been the most supportive of me being gay. We are close to the same age and grew up close to each other. I was a little skinny and vocal and she was what you might call chubby and tuff. Both of us got along fine because others made fun of us for things we couldn’t change about ourselves. She always wanted to be prettier and I always wanted to be bigger like the other guys. We use to get together and run off in the woods and play by the creek. That might be why I relate to women so well now that I am a little older. We might have totally different lives and she has her own family now but we still feel the same about a lot of issues. We can talk to each other about anything. We get together and sing Karaoke and cook all kinds of great stuff like chocolate cake and macaroni and cheese. You have to find some way to enjoy yourself when it’s cold and snowy outside.

I still like to spend some time by myself to try and keep things balanced. Sometimes I just have to get away from everything and the whole world. I learn a lot when I am alone and watching nature and seeing how the plants and animals survive. I’ve also learned that it is ok to be myself. Everything struggles and storms come and go. I just want to be the best I can be. Plants and animals grow together in communities and I want to be a part of a community too. Spending time alone has taught me the value of togetherness. I think everyone should try to love each other and make today the best day they can make it. Why everyone is so concerned with the afterlife when we have things that need to be done here and now is a mystery to me.

Love to everybody,
xoxoBrandon

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