I could build a shield around my heart… but then no one would know me. I could turn everyone away that doesn’t show up already prepared …but then I would remain alone. I could give up because I don’t feel I am strong enough… but then I could never grow stronger. So I will do none of these. Instead I will bleed with love and leave no stone unturned for this is the beauty of being Human.
Sometimes I just wondered if you were even my real dad. The way you drank and the temper you had. I loved you and always wanted some kind of relationship with you. I know that you were much more than you showed most people. I still looked up to you but I never bragged about my dad the Alcoholic. Now it hasn’t been easy for me to make it to the middle of my life. Here I sit typing.. only 10 years younger than you were when you died. I know the man you were because I can’t stop the same man that is inside of me from coming out. I know you were very smart and a very good mechanic. That is why you always fixed everyone of your friends cars. They also looked up to you for advice. Yes in your world your friends respected you deeply and always loved you, The rest of us we tried.
We tried to love you through the cussing and the drinking and the messiness. We always wanted you to come to the family Thanksgivings and Christmas even though you chose not to because you wanted to be drinking instead. Its all real I know it happened that way but what I don’t know is your side of the story. I know you loved me. I remember you teaching me to fish and water ski. I remember watching you and learning how to work on my own car from that. All of these memories are a part of me that won’t change. I love you even though you’re gone I just wish you were still around living a full and healthy life with the rest of us. And now in a way I do feel afraid and like I missed out on something. Afraid to be myself. Afraid to let people in. Afraid that people don’t really like me. I don’t really want to live that way. That part I want to let go of. I’m not going to worry or be afraid I am going to be myself and let people learn to love me and I will try my best to accept them also because everyone isn’t strong enough to share everything they ever went through and I never know what lies behind anyone’s beautiful smile. I just have to learn to look and not judge. Love can be the judge we just have to extend it.
Experiences are what build our power. If we grow with the experience so does the power of that knowledge. To be Empowered is to learn from your experiences and apply the knowledge that you have gained accordingly. I believe in Empowerment.
Read what I write and see what I’ve thought. See how I’ve pushed and see how I’ve fought. Look into my heart and into my soul see how I feel and feel what I know. Deeper and Deeper try not to lose sight of all of the strength and the love in your life. Looking up towards the clouds or staring down at the ground in one’…s heart there’s a spot where they can always be found. This is our foundation and everyone has one.
Peace,
Brandon
E-Mail Brandon at brandon@mygayfriendblog.com
